Three BHASVIC students share their experiences:
Having the label of ‘young carer’ can be difficult. You can feel like an imposter and a fraud, and like you’re struggles are minute compared to others. But it’s important to discuss all kinds of young carer responsibilities and raise awareness on how they can affect you. At the beginning of my experience, I had no knowledge that my situation was included in young carer responsibilities. My only experience of young carers was my best friend who had spent her whole life caring for her severely disabled sister. To me, that felt genuine. She physically looked after her and had these responsibilities that I knew I never had. But a lot comes under ‘young carer’ and it is important to share less common experiences, so here is my story.
I had a perfectly normal childhood. My parents are together and have always been happy. I had a good education and a nice circle of friends; I never wanted for anything. But the highlight of my life has always been my sister. We have a 4-year age gap and growing up we would spend every minute of every day together. She has always been hilarious and kind and I’m eternally grateful to have a built-in best friend.
When she began university (with undiagnosed ADHD and in an emotionally abusive relationship) she really struggled. Her first year was difficult and when she went back for her second, she fell into drug addiction. I was a few months into my first year at BHASVIC and came home from assisting at an open evening to learn that she had fallen into serious debt and was moving back home. Ever since, she has been living with us and her addiction has worsened. The first few months of having her back were alien and confusing, not knowing how to act or what to expect. She was still my sister but different, drug addiction is complex. Watching someone you love more than life damage everything they have is heartbreaking. It also trickles into every aspect of your life. Constant secret keeping and lying to family members. My parents began to fight more and there are periods of complete silence in my house, with no one talking to each other. It also began to affect my mental health. My preexisting anxiety has worsened, and I began to have new thoughts and feelings which were recently diagnosed as OCD. The worst part of living with an addict is the way it affects your relationships. When I am struggling at home, I withdraw from my friends and struggle to stay on top of college work. My relationship with my sister is entirely different and I am constantly worried that how we were will never come back.
Although I had no idea that what I have been through constituted me being a young carer, it is evident that caring comes in all shapes and sizes. I care for my sister when she is in pain from her drug use, I care for my parents when they are broken down from the exhaustion of it all and ultimately, I have to learn to care for myself and recognise the mental toll this takes. The support at BHASVIC is amazing. The staff ensure that you feel listened to and give you all the resources you need. It is difficult to discuss a family member who struggles with addiction. It can often feel a bit shameful or dirty. But if this story helps somebody else recognise their position and encourages them to access the support at BHASVIC which they deserve then it is vital to share.
By Anonymous
*
im hayley and im not a young carer
i support my family at home
but im not a young carer
im called mature for my age
but im not a young carer
i never have time for my own problems
but im not a young carer
i look out for everyone except myself
but im not a young carer
i feel alone
but im not a young carer
a young carer? no way
thats not who i am
i just hold all my family's problems in the palm of my hand and
oh wait
i think i am
i am a young carer
that i am
By Hayley Adjei Flores
*
I’m a young carer for my brother Leo. Leo has Down Syndrome and Autism and he is non-verbal due to his learning disabilities.
My mum told my sister and I when we were very young that we were sibling carers, and we often went to groups with other sibling carers at school and outside of it. Even though it was nice to talk to people in similar situations and do fun things like go bowling and go to the pier, everyone’s story is so unique so there’s no one you can completely relate to.
When Leo was born they found out he had multiple issues with his heart, known as a Tetralogy of Fallot. Because my sister and I were so young, my mum had to simplify the complexities and explain it that “Leo’s heart has two doors in his heart and one of them isn’t working, it’s staying open”. Because of this tricky start to life, Leo has had regular hospital checkups his whole 17 years of life so far and every few years he needs a valve replaced.
He is currently waiting for a procedure to place a smaller valve in the current one as it isn’t working very well. Waiting lists are long and we’re seeing his energy drop every day. I remember one year when Leo had to have open heart surgery for a valve replacement and my sister and I had to stay with family and friends. My mum and brother were in hospital for around a month and I missed them so much.
Because Leo’s heart was struggling to pump blood around his body, until he was about 8 he had an oxygen tank and was in a wheelchair. People would stare whenever we went out and at first it made me angry and upset because I thought it was so rude! We decided to get flashing, colourful wheels and we thought “we’ll give people something to stare at”. Sometimes we’d stare back at people and that would work most of the time.
Because my mum is my only parent, I often provide her with respite (time to herself without my brother). This looks like staying home Tuesday and Thursday evenings and looking after Leo on Saturday mornings so she can go to various exercise classes or have a meal with friends. Sometimes my mum gets carers burnout (I do too!) and I do my brothers lunch or dinner so she can have a nap or read in bed. Being a young carer isn’t just giving the other carers in your household respite, it means bearing the weight of a lot more responsibility than most of your peers.
There are some perks to being a carer though. Because I had to start cooking for myself in year 7 I know how to make amazing meals and bakes. Every year I make my mum a cake for her birthday, last year was coffee and walnut and it was my best yet! I’m also more patient, understanding, mature, resilient and hard-working.
If you’re a young carer please talk to your friends and teachers because they will understand and want to support you! It’s nothing to be ashamed of and keeping it in will do more harm than pushing yourself to open up might feel uncomfortable.
By Jaz Duffy Hodge