The only relationship more one sided than your “situationship” is more common than you’d think.
On the 10th of September I woke up and indulged in one of my worst habits: checking my phone. However, I stopped in my tracks when I saw Dave Grohl admitting to having a baby outside of his marriage. I was surprised by this, but then I thought: Why? The answer is: parasocial relationships. These “relationships” are wholly one-sided as they’re between a fan and a celebrity: one knows everything about the other from their first crush to their embarrassing concert mishaps and the other knows, well, nothing. These relationships, albeit controversial, are common. Why did everybody freak out when Dave Grohl cheated?
We seem to take everything these celebrities do and say at face value then fill in the gaps, we create these characters in our heads and start to imagine what they’d think of us; would we be friends? Would they think I’m funny? Would they approve of my opinions? Whether we do it on purpose or by accident, we form bonds with people we don’t know, and since Covid this has become a rampant problem. Between whipped coffee and buying cowprint bucket hats, we filled the socializing shaped hole with celebrity interviews that they filmed on their phones. These relationships have benefitted us. Research by Zubernis has shown that parasocial relationships benefit people with low self-esteem and those with avoidant attachment styles with Zubernis concluding “We find people, characters, stories, whatever it is to emulate and take attributes from and to sort of use as inspiration.” This suggests that parasocial relationships in the context of homing in our own social skills aren’t as completely mad as some say. There are even people who, after losing a significant other, prefer to invest in these fantasy relationships rather than real ones. After all, you can’t get hurt by someone who doesn’t know you, right?
To engage in these fantasy relationships people must go with the façade the celebrity presents to us which, once broken, can be shocking. The aforementioned Dave Grohl broke his façade. Now fans are questioning their loyalty to him with many being distraught over the news that their surrogate best friend/uncle/family man isn’t who he said he is. Some fans are forced to completely separate the art from the artist. If I had a pound for every time I looked up a band I had just started listening to only to find two members are dead, one’s a pedophile and one tweets anti-trans rhetoric, then I’d be rich enough to buy their whole discography and burn it. Celebrities are not who they say they are. They could be quieter in real life than in a Jimmy Fallon interview and some could be criminals, so what happens when these “relationships” turn sour?
Massive celebrities have their managers and security teams preventing them from encountering unhealthy fans but, for niche celebrities, a fan that views them as their best mate even though they may’ve only liked a few comments of theirs is a looming fear. Evanna Lynch (known for her portrayal of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter) said “I think sometimes people with larger platforms or audiences have a level of protection”. Sometimes, the harassment can end with a simple block. Sometimes people simply can’t do it, like writer Otegha Uwagba, who claimed that the attention she received from a fan was “suffocating” but due to the fan coming off as a kind yet intense individual she “felt a little guilty” when she blocked her. Due to the popularity of social media, many more celebrities have an air of accessibility about them. Social media has opened the door to celebrities’ lives and let in mostly well-meaning fans and a few that take it too far.
At the end of the day, what we see from a celebrity is what they want us to see, from giving their bathroom a tidy before filming vogue beauty secrets to their whole personality. However, can we really avoid these relationships? We’re in a world where if we’re interested in a celebrity, we immediately have their lives, their interviews and their social media at our fingertips. It’s inevitable that we form connections to those similar to us or have characteristics we desire but the line is drawn when you start harassing them. So maybe next time you claim a wholesome celebrity would be your best mate, think about what you actually know about them, even if a band they joined in 1990 is amazing.